Everything I read keeps saying that it might hurt when I see a friend and her sweet bump or an announcement of a baby on the way or any other reminder of a new baby. They aren’t wrong, BUT the truth is the grace of Jesus covers the toughest of moments.
One of the earliest prayers I prayed after things sank in and I was still in the darkness of it all, I asked the Lord to not let my sorrow take from enjoying the gift of life in others and possibly us in the future. I asked Him to help magnify that joy instead. To do what seemed impossible to me from where I was. You see, life created, life cherished, has been one of my greatest joys as an adult and I didn’t want that to suffer because of the loss of our son. I still wanted those things to bring me joy but even more so on this side.
Those early prayers that I prayed in sorrowful freedom are probably the realest prayers I’ve ever prayed. It was in those prayers that I was able to see the truth that our son is not anyone else’s. The story written out for us doesn’t belong to anyone else other than our Father and our family. I cannot compare what I imagined things to be to what is. And I cannot compare our written story to another’s. Comparison is a thief of joy. Another’s entrusted baby will never be mine, Enoch is who he is and his story is his. This truth that God created Enoch uniquely him and divinely gave Him to us for 6 months, that’s what I want to turn to when it starts to hurt and ache.
When I saw a baby in the store for the first time on this side, I panicked and thought for sure I was going lose it. My mind immediately went to missing out pushing our son in his stroller. I turned around and immediately went to Joey to take me to the car. I couldn’t do it. I felt defeated. I couldn’t hold onto truth in that moment. But grace thrives here.
I revisited my prayer that night, longing for the joy again. Letting Gods grace pour over me and speaking truth to me once again. “Annalisa, you cannot compare what you imagined things to be to what is. Because nothing compares to the throne-room of heaven.” I stepped into that grace with faith.
Fast forward a week or so to friends, who I have been praying for fiercely during our pregnancies, posting bump pictures. Y’all let me tell you, I felt so much JOY. I smiled and awed over how beautiful they are. How beautiful their babies will be. Not thinking twice.
Moments passed and I realized what had happened. What kind of enemy defeating moment Jesus accomplished in me. I praised Him for the win. Teared up, because crying is who I am right now, laughed and thank the Lord for His work in me.
We had my postpartum checkup recently. I’ll spare you the pain it brought back and share the grace. I was surrounded by pictures of babies in the waiting room and tears came. But then pregnant mamas came in. And more tears came. But what poured from my heart were silent prayers over them and their babies. Prayers of fierce protection over them, safety, but mainly joy over them. And although there were tears, I remembered the joy I felt for my dear friends the week before. How excited I was to see their sweet littles on this side of the womb. I remembered that the story our Father gives each of us, help bring the kingdom come. I remembered that if I chose to compare what I imagined of our son to what is, the throne-room wins every time.
Friends, there are hard moments here. Hard triggers that live in this healing, but the grace of Jesus lives here too, thrives here even. It’s that grace where victories are won. Where comparison does not thrive.
I may not be rescued from sorrow in an earthly sense but dear friends I am rescued from sorrow in the heavenly because of Jesus. And that’s what counts all of this joy. The joy thief does not own my hard moments. Jesus does. Every hard moment, and every easy one. Every single one of them.
prayerfilledchaos.wordpress.com 